


All I Want

by midoriverte



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 04:43:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13139310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte
Summary: Hide and Kaneki have spent a lot of Christmas Eves with each other (and, really, why would they want to spend it with anyone else?)





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sinshine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/gifts).



> Happy holidays, sinshine! Thanks for sharing Hidekane with me this year <3
> 
> Also one scene is based off this piece of art because it's so damn cute http://mermaidsnogrr.tumblr.com/post/165065092095
> 
> (Also also thanks as always to sondeneige for beta-ing this)

**2 Years Ago**

 

“Hide, this is perfect!” 

 

Hide grinned in triumph as Kaneki tore the wrapping off his Christmas present. Kaneki was generally shy and awkward when it came to opening presents, never quite knowing how to react or what to say. The fact that he was gushing uncontrollably about how much he loved it meant Hide had picked the perfect gift. 

 

Not that he ever really doubted it. 

 

“How did you know?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

Hide shrugged nonchalantly, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks nonetheless. “How could I not? You never shut up about this author.” 

 

“Yeah but I never thought you were actually listening!” 

 

“So my ruse was perfect.” Hide was only half kidding. He had feigned disinterest so that Kaneki would be even more surprised when he got it. 

 

“This makes my gift to you look so bad though!” Kaneki groaned. 

 

“Hey!” Hide said indignantly, clutching the package that contained the scarf Kaneki got him. “I love this scarf!” 

 

“You sure?” Kageki asked, looking faintly miserable.

 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Hide said sternly. “I like to think I'm a man in touch with my emotions” 

 

Kaneki laughed. “If you say so.” His temporary gloom subsided and he returned to looking at his book in awe. 

 

“Seriously though, thank you, Hide. You're amazing.” 

 

Hide was grateful Kaneki was still looking at the book because his face turned bright red at those words. 

 

“You don't have to go that far” he mumbled. God, once he started blushing he could never stop. He could feel the heat go all the way up to his ears. 

 

Kaneki just looked so damn cute, his eyes sparkled as he read the back cover of the book, and Hide had to casually cover his face by hiding it in the crook of his arm so Kaneki couldn't see how red he was getting. 

  
  


_ Stop it _ , Hide thought desperately.  _ Don't think of him like that.  _

 

In touch with his emotions, yeah right. 

 

“You okay, Hide?”

 

“Yeah just a little cold,” Hide said, coughing a little to give a plausible cover for why he was hiding his face.

 

“Well it's a good thing I got you that scarf then!” 

 

“Y-yeah,” Hide laughed nervously. He unwrapped the scarf from the tissue paper he had opened hastily just moments before, and quickly wrapped it around his face so that Kaneki couldn’t see. 

 

Seeing him wear it seemed to assuage Kaneki’s worries that his gift wasn’t good enough, and he smiled brightly at Hide. 

 

And Hide thought that he would never take this scarf off if it made Kaneki smile like that. 

 

**Last Year**

 

Kaneki did not have a part-time job. He did not get money for doing chores (the thought was laughable), and he couldn’t touch his mother’s inheritance until he moved out of the house. 

And although he only had one person to give a gift to at Christmas (which would have been sort of a sad thought if that person wasn’t  _ Hide _ ), he still worried at the expense. 

 

Mostly because he knew what he wanted to get Hide, and it was not cheap. He knew Hide had said he liked the scarf, but he had gotten Kaneki such a thoughtful gift the year before, and Kaneki wanted to return the favour. 

 

So he saved every spare bit of change his aunt thoughtlessly left him in the morning to buy his lunch, and made his own lunches instead. He offered to help the neighbours with random housework for change, he occasionally (and unbeknownst to Hide or his aunt) worked odd jobs he saw around town (like sweeping floors at a hair salon, which was even more unpleasant than it sounded), just to get some money. 

 

His heart pounded as he carried the carefully-wrapped present under his arm. He questioned everything. Not because he thought Hide wouldn’t like it, but maybe Hide would be mad because it was too much? Maybe he would think Kaneki was trying to show-off or outdo him.  

 

He tried not to think about it as he rushed to where he and Hide were going to meet. 

Hide was bouncing slightly for warmth, underneath a tree lit with soft white Christmas lights. His face lit up when he saw Kaneki and he waved him over. 

 

“Kaneki! I’m freezing!”

 

“I can see that,” Kaneki laughed as he jogged over to Hide. 

 

“Can we get to Karaoke before we open presents? I want to get into the warmth before I die of cold here.”

 

“You won’t die in this temperature.”

 

“You don’t know that.”

 

They were the only ones going to karaoke, they hadn’t bothered to invite anyone else, and Kaneki avoided the gaze of the woman who led them to their room. 

 

“I guess we look a little weird,” Kaneki laughed awkwardly. “Two guys alone together on Christmas Eve.”

 

“Mmm,” Hide mumbled noncommittally. “Well, it’s not like I want to spend Christmas Eve with anyone else, you know? Who cares what they think?”

 

“R-right,” Kaneki said. He felt an odd warmth spread through him at the thought that Hide didn’t want to spend tonight with anyone but him. 

 

“Besides, I better take all the time with you I can, before you go to college next year and get a super-cute girlfriend and spend all your spare time with her,” Hide said with a laugh as he flipped through the book with the song listings. Kaneki got the impression he wasn’t really reading it. 

 

“I won’t-” Kaneki was cut off when Hide’s microphone made a horrible screeching noise.

 

“Sorry,” Hide said. “Must have leaned too close to the machine with my mic on. Anyway, should we open our presents and get this party started?”

 

“I hardly think this counts as a party, but yes.”

 

They sat down on the couch and Hide shoved his present at Kaneki. 

 

“Open mine first!” 

 

“You’re ridiculous,” Kaneki rolled his eyes, but started carefully unwrapping the present.

“You’re so slow!” Hide groaned. 

 

“I don’t like wrecking the paper,” Kaneki made sure to go extra slow because of Hide’s complaining. 

 

“How do you always know exactly what book to get me?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

“It’s not too hard to figure out, you nerd,” Hide shrugged but Kaneki could tell he was feeling a little smug. 

 

Kaneki smiled. “Thank you, Hide, it’s perfect.” They both knew Kaneki couldn’t afford to buy most of the books he wanted, especially not when he was living with his aunt. 

 

And especially not since Kaneki saved every bit of money he could get to buy something for Hide. Not that Hide knew that.

 

His heart started pounding nervously again at the thought of his present. He might as well get it over with now. 

 

“I, um, have something for you too,” Kaneki said, handing Hide his present without looking him in the eye. 

 

“Okay, but unlike some people I’m not going to save the wrapping paper.” True to his word, Hide tore off most of the paper in one motion. 

 

Kaneki waited with bated breath as Hide looked at the small box. 

 

“Holy shit!” Hide exclaimed, which Kaneki couldn’t tell was a good or bad thing. 

 

“Uh, do you like it?” Kaneki fidgeted. 

 

Hide opened the box much more carefully than he had torn off the wrapping paper, and took out the pair of bright orange earphones reverently. 

 

“Are you kidding?” Hide said. “I love it, but this is way too much!” 

 

“I… I thought you might say that,” Kaneki said. “I just...you do a lot for me and you really wanted these and I wanted to do something nice for you-”

 

“Kaneki, you’re doing that thing when you ramble when you’re nervous,” Hide smiled. 

 

“S-sorry.”

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Hide said as he slipped the earphones on and wore them around his neck. “I really love them, thank you so much.” To Kaneki’s great surprise, Hide pulled Kaneki into a tight hug. 

 

Kaneki hesitantly wrapped his arms around Hide. It wasn’t that Hide was never physically affectionate with him, but he generally didn’t do much more than put his arm around Kaneki’s shoulders. 

 

Kaneki awkwardly patted Hide on his back, and Hide took that as a cue to pull away slowly. 

 

“Uh, sorry,” Hide said, rubbing the back of his head, and looking away from Kaneki. 

 

“Don’t be,” Kaneki said with a smile. “Merry Christmas, Hide. I’m glad you like your present.”

 

Hide brightened considerably. “You too! And you’ll regret this present because I am literally never going to take them off.”

 

“Hide, at least take them off when you shower.”

 

“Make me.”

 

“Let’s just sing.”

 

“Good idea! I can use these to cover my ears for your parts.”

 

“Hide, I am going to murder you.”

 

**This Year**

 

Hide and Kaneki had decided not to exchange gifts this year. They were both broke college students and they figured it would be best to just spend the evening together. 

 

“Assuming you don’t get a girlfriend between now and then,” Hide had said with a laugh. 

 

“I somehow seriously doubt it, Hide.”

 

“You never know!” 

 

“Well, what if you’re the one who gets a girlfriend and leaves me without someone on Christmas Eve?” Kaneki had demanded in irritation. 

 

Hide fiddled with the packets of sugar on the table at the coffee shop not looking at Kaneki. “That won’t happen.”

 

Kaneki raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything. 

 

Of course, neither of them did find dates before Christmas Eve, so they both met at a park near both of their apartments. The trees were once again strung with Christmas lights, and the park was filled with couples walking arm and arm in the lightly falling snow.

 

Once again, Hide was waiting for Kaneki, wearing the scarf that Kaneki had given him two years ago and a dark blue winter jacket, and smiling widely when he saw Kaneki walking towards him. 

 

“You should have worn a hat,” Kaneki said as a greeting. “Your hair is going to get soaking wet from this snow.”

 

“It’s not even snowing that much!” Hide said.

 

“And we shouldn’t have left trying to reserve karaoke so late this year, all the good ones were full,” Kaneki continued. 

 

“Meh, we’ll find something else to do tonight. I wouldn’t even mind just grabbing a coffee.”

 

“We do that four times a week already!”

 

“Yeah, but things are automatically more special on Christmas Eve.”

 

Kaneki grinned. “Well, I could use a warm drink. But won’t most of them be kinda full too?”

 

“Nah, I know a good place, it’s kind of secluded and quiet there normally.  _ And _ I know a shortcut.”

 

“Is this shortcut going to get us lost again?”

 

“Nope! I’m just trying to avoid all the couples, honestly.”

 

Laughing, Kaneki followed Hide as he made his way through the park with Hide, who had indeed found a route that was abandoned by most people. 

 

Still, something was bothering Kaneki. He had only been reminded of it when Hide had said he wanted to avoid couples. 

 

He didn’t know how to bring it up, so he remained mostly silent as he followed Hide to a small coffee shop they had never been to. 

 

There were a few people in the shop, but it was fairly quiet. Hide opened the door, and Kaneki was awash in the warmth of the cafe and the inviting smell of coffee. 

 

“After you,” Hide gestured with an exaggerated bow and flourish and Kaneki rolled his eyes as he stepped into the shop. 

 

There were a few couples in the cafe, but most of the people in there seemed to be there by themselves.

 

Hide led him to a small table by a fireplace that was mostly out of the view of everyone else, the shop was cozy but a little crowded with decorations and various knick knacks. But it somehow seemed to add to the ambiance. 

 

“It’s cute,” Kaneki said, examining the snowman centrepiece on the table. “How did you find this?”

 

“In my wanderings,” Hide said dismissively. “I’ve wanted to bring you here for a while, but it’s a bit out of the way from the school, so it was so much easier to just go to Anteiku. I recommend the hot chocolate!”

 

“Sounds good.”

 

The waitress headed over to them. She seemed a few years older than them, and had her hair cut in a short pixie cut. She didn’t give them a look, but Kaneki suddenly felt self-conscious about being alone with another guy on Christmas Eve when they were surrounded by couples. 

 

Hide ordered their hot chocolates, his with extra whipped cream and Kaneki’s with none, despite Hide warning him that the whipped cream was the best part and he’d be missing out.

 

“No,” Kaneki said. 

 

Hide just shrugged, and said, seemingly out of nowhere, “The waitress here is pretty cute, right?”

 

“I guess so,” Kaneki said, taken aback. “I think she’s more your type than mine, to be honest?”

 

“Really?” Hide said, but didn’t add anything else. 

 

Still, that reminded Kaneki of what he had meant to ask. 

 

“So, uh, I heard something weird the other day?”

 

“Mmm, about what?”

 

“You know that girl in our Asian History class, the short one with the glasses?” 

 

“Yoko?”

 

“Yeah,” Kaneki said. “Uh, I heard she asked you out for tonight?”

 

Hide raised his eyebrows. “Where did you hear that?”

 

“Just… people talking before class I guess.”

 

Hide nodded but didn’t respond. 

 

“Well?” Kaneki prompted impatiently. “Did she?”

 

“Yeah.” Hide was rubbing the back of his head.

 

“But you turned her down?”

 

“Well, obviously.”

 

“Why would you do that?” Kaneki demanded. 

 

“Because I didn’t want to go out with her?” A hint of impatience creeped into his voice. 

 

“You’re the one always going on about spending Christmas Eve with a date!”

 

Hide just shrugged again. “I’d rather spend it with my best friend than someone from class that I barely know.”

 

Kaneki opened his mouth to argue, but just then the waitress came by and set down their hot chocolates in front of them, and Hide quickly grabbed it and started drinking his, effectively ending the conversation. 

 

Kaneki was grateful to drop the topic, and they spent the rest of their night pleasantly. The cafe was playing soft Christmas music and the hot chocolate was as good as Hide had promised. The fire in the fireplace warmed Kaneki’s back and made him sleepy. And Hide enthusiastically complained about a class he hated. 

 

Hide ordered a piece of cake for both of them, to Kaneki’s vague protests, but Kaneki ate it happily. 

 

It had started snowing heavily, so Kaneki said “We should head home soon, in case the storm gets worse.”

 

“I don’t think this counts as a storm exactly, but we probably should.”

 

The waitress, seeing they were done, headed towards them. “Would you like separate bills?”

 

“I’ll pay for the both of us,” Hide said quickly. 

 

“Hide, you don’t have to do that!” Kaneki said.

 

“I’m the one with a part-time job,” Hide said. “Consider it a Christmas present.”

 

“But-”

 

“Please?” Hide said. “I want to.”

 

Kaneki wanted to protest, but Hide was looking at him insistently, so he relented. 

 

The two of them bundled up as best they could before heading out into the snow. They wound their way back through the park, which was mercifully nearly empty as everyone had gone inside to get warm (“among other things” Hide added).

 

“It’s kind of nice like this,” Kaneki said. “Just by ourselves.”

 

“It is,” Hide said. 

 

Kaneki had been looking at Hide to talk to him, and that meant he was not looking where he was going on the path. His foot landed on a patch of ice and he went flying backwards. 

 

“Woah!” Hide exclaimed as he caught Kaneki mid-fall, nearly falling over himself in the process but managing to right the fall and pull Kaneki up. 

 

Hide and Kaneki were facing each other, mere inches apart, Hide had not let go of Kaneki’s upper arms, where he had caught him. 

 

“You okay?” Hide said, a little breathlessly. 

 

“Yeah, I think you may have bruised my arms a bit though.”

 

Hide laughed a little. And Kaneki had just a moment to appreciate how warm it was standing with Hide like this, and how the snow seemed to make the empty park feel even quieter, before Hide closed the distance between them and kissed him. 

 

Kaneki’s mind went blank. The kiss didn’t last long, more of a press of Hide’s lips against his, before Hide pulled away. 

 

“Oh,” Kaneki said quietly. 

 

Hide had let him go. And stood there silently opening and closing his mouth. 

 

“Um,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Sorry,” Hide said quietly. Snow was falling and settling in his hair but Hide made no move to shake it off. “Did I… just ruin everything?”

 

Kaneki shook his head vehemently. “No! Of course not!”

 

Hide shook his head. “Sorry,” he mumbled again. 

 

“Don’t apologize, Hide,” Kaneki said firmly. “How long have you…” Kaneki wanted to trail off so he didn’t have to say it out loud. “Um, how long have you felt that way?”

 

Hide shook his head silently. “I don’t know. Probably forever.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah,” Hide laughed hollowly, and scuffed at the ground with his shoes, making patterns in the snow.

 

Even though Hide’s lips had only touched his briefly, Kaneki swore he could still feel the warmth of his lips on his. 

 

“H-how do you feel about that?” Hide’s voice broke slightly. 

 

Kaneki’s mind seemed to be flashing back through a slideshow of his entire life with Hide. of everything Hide had done for him, and the thought that through all of that, Hide had  _ loved _ him. 

 

“I…Hide, of course it doesn’t make me feel  _ bad _ to know that you have, uh, feelings for me.”  _ God he was bad at this _ . “Well… maybe bad that I didn’t notice but… that’s not your fault.”  _ He was doing that thing where he rambled when he was nervous again _ . “Hide, you could never ruin anything between us. Ever,” he said firmly. “Thank you for telling me this.”

 

Hide smiled weakly, and then covered his eyes with his hand. Kaneki realized that he was trying to hide that fact that he was crying. 

 

“H-Hide! Why are you crying?” Kaneki was worried that he’d said something horribly wrong.

 

“I’m just really glad that you don’t hate me,” Hide mumbled, still not uncovering his eyes. 

 

“I would never hate you. I’m just… sorry I don’t have an answer to your feelings right now. Could you give me time?”

 

Hide wiped his eyes on his sleeve and nodded slowly before quickly looking up, fully registering what Kaneki had just said.

 

“I...sort of thought rejection was implied,” Hide said. 

 

“Well, it’s...it’s not,” Kaneki said. “I just… wasn’t expecting this.” It was true that Kaneki would have never imagined Hide felt this way about him, but the thought of it made him feel warm despite the cold. 

 

“Well, I mean,” Hide was stumbling over his words. “You can have all the time in the world to think it over, if you want.”

 

Kaneki smiled. He somehow didn’t think it would take that long. 

 

“We should get out of the cold before we get buried in snow,” Kaneki said. 

 

“Yeah, good idea.”

 

“You know,” Kaneki said quickly, before he lost his nerve. “My gloves aren’t very warm. Maybe you could hold my hand on the way back?”

 

Hide’s face lit up in one of the softest, most genuine smiles he had ever seen. 

 

“Yeah, I think that could be arranged.”


End file.
